I began recording my feelings with sketches in a diary: I wrote: I must tell no one. I must hide it from every living person I know. I am totally despicable.

I began recording my feelings with sketches in a diary: I wrote: I must tell no one. I must hide it from every living person I know. I am totally despicable.

Some of these faces I am drawing look back at me with disdain, even disgust.

Some of these faces I am drawing look back at me with disdain, even disgust.

I have to make sure they can’t see me.

I have to make sure they can’t see me.

But no, that’s not enough. I don’t want even the potential of being seen.

But no, that’s not enough. I don’t want even the potential of being seen.

Here, my notes on the left top corner confirm that I came out to my sister and brother-in-law on June 20th 1987. To me the face to the right looks stern and displeased.

Here, my notes on the left top corner confirm that I came out to my sister and brother-in-law on June 20th 1987. To me the face to the right looks stern and displeased.

I have to leave the eyes out altogether, I wrote. I must begin just below the eyes.

I have to leave the eyes out altogether, I wrote. I must begin just below the eyes.

Was I averting the gaze, as we say in today’s lingo––the gaze of my own drawings and paintings staring critically back at me? I had to be sure that none of these faces had the means to see me, this me that was so very bad.

Was I averting the gaze, as we say in today’s lingo––the gaze of my own drawings and paintings staring critically back at me? I had to be sure that none of these faces had the means to see me, this me that was so very bad.

Obsession took over as I saw profiles everywhere––in clouds, trees, buildings, textures, cracks in the sidewalk.

Obsession took over as I saw profiles everywhere––in clouds, trees, buildings, textures, cracks in the sidewalk.

I was impelled to draw and paint myriad profile forms, in every configuration.

I was impelled to draw and paint myriad profile forms, in every configuration.

I made notes to myself in these diaries, questioning: what am I doing? Where will my experiments go from here? I don’t want to miss any variation that comes to mind.

I made notes to myself in these diaries, questioning: what am I doing? Where will my experiments go from here? I don’t want to miss any variation that comes to mind.

Sometimes my drawings included just parts of the nose, lips and chin in every form I could think of.

Sometimes my drawings included just parts of the nose, lips and chin in every form I could think of.

I’m reminded now of how much pain I felt as I struggled with my sexuality. Each of the 27 diaries I completed, detailed the ups and downs of my sexual life and evolving womanhood.

I’m reminded now of how much pain I felt as I struggled with my sexuality. Each of the 27 diaries I completed, detailed the ups and downs of my sexual life and evolving womanhood.

My art and writing reflected everything. It showed that I was a budding feminist and activist with a longing to write and record my journey, to let it all hang out on the page in order to relieve my stress.

My art and writing reflected everything. It showed that I was a budding feminist and activist with a longing to write and record my journey, to let it all hang out on the page in order to relieve my stress.

And it did relieve my stress. It always had the effect of calming my nerves, easing my depression and helping me feel less lonely and hopeless.

And it did relieve my stress. It always had the effect of calming my nerves, easing my depression and helping me feel less lonely and hopeless.

It’s a bit weird rereading these diaries now, so many years later.

It’s a bit weird rereading these diaries now, so many years later.

To see such angst in my life, and to see on paper how being a pencil-person soothed my anxiety, as I modified and perfected (in my mind) versions of the profile over and over again.

To see such angst in my life, and to see on paper how being a pencil-person soothed my anxiety, as I modified and perfected (in my mind) versions of the profile over and over again.